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CATHARSIS FORTHCOMING

10.05.2017

^^ That perfect "rustling" tree ^^

How many times have I been here before? Even just since I started blogging...

Okay, where to start. I'm just gonna jump in and dump out everything that I'm thinking and feeling. Everything I've been composing in my head (and maybe a little bit out loud) this afternoon.

It's that overwhelmed, lost, "What am I even doing?" feeling. I've been there before, so many times. Especially since becoming a mom. It's what inspired me to start blogging in the first place. My very first post? That new year's resolution to think more positively. Lots of versions of the same thing have plagued me for years. Probably my whole adult life. And it's probably nothing unique. That feeling that you're just not doing enough. Or the right things. Or the things to get you where you want to go. Not even knowing where you want to go.

I'm there. Again.

And that begs the question. Why am I here again? I've made resolutions. I've listened to audio-books. I started taking fish oil... (I need the laughing emoji here :) But seriously, I've taken steps (on numerous occasions) to change these feelings, but those changes just never seem to stick. Or maybe they just aren't enough. Or right? Is this just the natural cycle of humans... women... moms... Maybe it is much more related to "cycles" than I realize or care to discuss on a public platform. Something to consider in private though :) And maybe it's not even something that you Fix, rather something that you just work through over and over and over and hope to come out a little better on the other side each time? 

I can definitely say there are things I've implemented before that I think were helpful, but didn't stick to, or at least, I'm not implementing them now...

^^ Okay, I was on a roll there. Headed toward a short novel. Alas, Mercer duty called and now I am back and that roll is no more. No idea where my train of thought was headed and not really feeling the desire to "cathart" anymore and seriously questioning whether or not to abort this post altogether... nah, I'll just go with it. Might as well. ^^

I do, however, remember the ultimate conclusion that I came to earlier, during a nice walk after Mercer's nap, and that was to make one change a day. Doesn't sound like much, but when you're feeling tired, overwhelmed and without much motivation, I think that's a good place to start. Today, I decided to take a walk with Mercer when he woke up from his nap instead of wandering around the house wondering what the heck it is that one is supposed to do with a 6-month-old. And it felt good (not literally of course, because Texas did not get the memo about fall <--- I'm pretty sure that is a direct quote from some point during the past 2 falls during which I've blogged. I should just make that my tagline or something.) Anyway, it felt good to get out of the house. Breathe in some fresh air and move. And walking past the tree, the one at the top of the hill that makes the most perfect rustling sound, made me feel better. Optimistic.

I guess it doesn't really matter how many times I circle back to this. This feeling of being lost and confused and overwhelmed and like I'm just not doing it right. Life. Motherhood. Work. Anything. Everything. As long as I recognize it and make the effort to do better. So this is me, resolving to do better. One thing at a time. I'd like to share my efforts (committing to share provides some accountability), but it feels so narcissistic. But being narcissistic like that also feels kind of okay, because that's the name of the game these days with all of the social media platforms, etc. Like, who cares if I ate a salad for lunch today (and, full disclosure, chased it with too many Simply Cheetos and a Coke because I was still bloody hungry and too lazy to do better... true story.) Kinda thinking out loud here... I think I'll share it on my blog's FB page, for anyone who cares or wants to do it with me :)

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And just like that, Jordan walks in, looks over my shoulder for a few seconds and says, "Hm." And I'm second-guessing myself and this post. Assuming he read something I wrote (and didn't just make some passing sound that had absolutely nothing to do with me) and thought something not so good about it or that it was self-indulgent... (Hello, projecting much?). I think a little self-confidence could go a long way... Pft.

Am I seriously going to post this? 

I probably should've written this all in a journal. Like, a private one.

It just feels so much better to say it to "someone". Like having a conversation I desperately need to have when I didn't have anyone to actually have it with right at the moment I needed to have it. Thanks, to whoever you may be, for being the listening ears that I really needed this afternoon :)

1 comment:

  1. I love your amazing face, in case you forgot & so do your kids. For what's it's worth, I personally think you kick ass on the daily & I wanna grow up to be like you... but, alas, since I'm the big sister, that's kinda not how it works. I know saying don't be too/so hard on yourself is cliche' & very un-helpful, so instead, I'll say this. Breathe. Your kids are ALIVE (#ButDidTheyDie) Amazing & as 'normal' & well adjusted as kids today can be. You are doing a good job because you're DOING IT!!! Hell, not perfectly, but anyone who says/thinks they are is wrong/a liar! As long as you LOVE your kids (No mother always 'likes' her children) & you're doing what you can for their good (Yes, you ARE) Then you're #KillingIt. Love you Seester. You're a rockstar ;)

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